Family Key - Disclosing Abuse From Within

One of the most difficult pieces of news a family can hear is from within. To learn that a close relative you've understood all your life, a member of your family, has abused another, is dreadful. I understand because I've been on both sides of that coin, both recieving the news and announcing it to my own relatives. For the PTSD sufferer it's among the bravest but most difficult steps towards recovery. By unveiling the secret, breaking the quiet and putting your soul and your experiences out in the open for those you love to question and hopefully understand, you are treating. The decision to tell family members that you just have PTSD - and maybe more significantly, what the trauma which caused it was - is one that many sufferers agonize over.

Imagine if they don’t believe me? I'll create a rift in the family. I am upsetting the apple cart. So there’s no stage causing all this heartbreak it’s in the past -- these are only the beginnings of various trains of thought a sufferer is likely to go through when debating whether to tell ’ or not. It is difficult enough when the perpetrator isn't a part of the family, a buddy, maybe, in the instance of of sexual abuse. However, if the abuser and the victim share the same family, it becomes a good deal dirtier. Everyone knows what you as a survivor of abuse have been through, and once the naming and shaming of the abuser is out there, there’s no going back.

So, what if you’re the family member who’s merely been sat in a front room, having made a pot of tea, simply to have the get-together blasted into smithereens by granddaughter, your daughter, son, neice or nephew? They’ve not slept for weeks (PTSD plus the do-I, don’t-I debate), and now they’re silently sitting with the teacup still shaking on its saucer, anxiously anticipating your answer.

First, engage your brain before you speak. Your emotions are high, you don’t know what to think, and the picture of the person who abused them and the person in front of you has been shattered like glass on concrete. Blurting out “I don’t consider you” will ostricize the sufferer, perhaps trigger an emotional flashback, cause them to question themselves and their recollections and make you the target of hurt, frustration and fury. Maybe you can’t reconcile the image of the accused with the accusation, but that doesn't mean it didn’t happen. So, think before you speak and do n’t undermine the courage it took for the sufferer to tell you.

Please, don't go and begin a fight child abuse disclosure with the accused. It helps nobody, least of all the sufferer. Going over there and having it out will result in everything being denied by the abuser, retaliating, perhaps attacking yourself or the initial casualty. The casualty has lost it, if there's evidence that could be used in legal proceedings should they follow.

Third, remember that ‘outing’ an they will be exhausted, and an abuser is an extremely brave choice for the sufferer. A game of 20 questions is inappropriate right now! To have been trusted enough to learn that they developed PTSD because of it and have suffered from abuse places you in a privileged place. Remember that, and make an effort to refrain from asking about each detail of the maltreatment, the duration, if anyone else was involved, or the dreaded "why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Some of the replies won’t be clear to the sufferer (suggest: notably the last one), and some of them hurt too much to discuss. The time will come where you learn the facts of the trauma and the impact on the sufferer’s life since. Is n’t it.

Enough of the don't’s. What should you do? Listening is important; being there and taking time to hear the sufferer is the greatest gift you'll be able to give them. Perhaps the relief of having someone in the family know will bring about an outpouring of emotion and despair. Be there for them, and let them understand that you're available to talk with, if and when they desire. Offer support and give them the safe space they haven’t had to vent how they feel. On the flipside, the individual with PTSD might completely freak out and not need to say another word. Listening is important, even in the quiet. Make the person you love feel safe and supported and free to discuss, or not talk, not, or request help.

Do normal things with this man. Having PTSD doesn't define them nor should it define your future relationship with them. Take them outside, invite them to meet-ups (without the abuser present) and value them for who they're. As with tons of mental illnesses, occasionally socializing looks tough, but even if you get dismissed or rejected, continue inviting them while also letting them know it is acceptable for them not to join. Compassion and patience is the name of the game.

Also, look after yourself. Odds are the news has come as a jolt, and you're now fighting with conflicting emotions regarding the abuser, particularly when you understood them well and are close to them. It really is understandable to be bewildered and upset, so take a bit of time to process the information. Often it's helpful to talk to someone you know, about your feelings, for example a friend or counsellor. Getting an external perspective from someone who doesn’t understand the abuser or the PTSD sufferer can be useful. It's easy to feel like anything you say or do will be wrong, but frankly, you know the people involved and how exactly to speak to them. Trust instinct and that knowledge.

I can only speak from personal experience, but there’s a nugget or two of advice in this section to assist you to hear about the abuse that can happen within.